infertility...warrior?

I am not a victim to my crohns disease. I am not embarrassed about my disease and what comes with it. I choose to face everyday head on and look at the hand ive been dealt as a blessing in disguise rather than a death sentence. I am not a victim.

Crohns disease is most commonly diagnosed in young adults, age 18-24. This also happens to be one of the most important and difficult times in ones life. It is, or was for me, when I was learning about self-confidence, about respect, and about who I was. From the start, I fell right into the statistic. I was diagnosed shortly after my 18^th birthday on the night before I was leaving for college. Although I was 18 when I first heard the words “crohns disease”, I was sick for many years before I decided to seek answers. Being different in high school is the one thing I didn’t want to be, but my sickness forced me to learn things about myself and change into the strong independent person I am today. Blessing. When I was 16 all I cared about was what I was wearing to school the next day, who was hosting Saturday nights party, and how I could sneak home after curfew. Having to change plans because I couldn’t leave my bathroom was not in my agenda, but it became my reality. I knew on the day I received that phone call that I had a choice to make. Be a victim, or be a warrior.

I like to think of myself as a positive person when it comes to most, if not all aspects of my life. Yes, sometimes I am pessimistic about the Cleveland browns superbowl hopes, but lets face is, who isn’t? On the other hand, when it came to my disease I never allowed myself to be defeated…or at least until recently.

Since my surgery in September 2014 that left me with a permanent ileostomy, I have achieved medical remission from crohns disease. For the first time in the 8 years since I was diagnosed I am healthy. I often get emotional when I am doing something as simple as gardening, going on a roadtrip, or as adventurous as hiking the hills of California because these are all things I was not able to do 2 short years ago. I do not take anything for granted anymore. Nothing. I know that everything I am able to accomplish in my day to day life is a gift, because I remember very clearly a time when I would not have been able to do it. This healthy version of myself has so many plans and dreams for the future, including the one thing I have wanted more than anything; a family.

When it comes to my crohns I have always been comfortable, which is strange considering that crohns deals with intestines, and poop, and things one generally would not talk about. You could ask me literally ANYTHING about my crohns and I would get so excited and tell you everything I know. When it comes to infertility I am the opposite, and I don’t know why. Even writing the words down pains me. I suffer from infertility. Because of all the trauma that my body has endured due to my surgeries and medications from crohns disease, my ability to do the one thing I feel like my body was made for has been compromised. When it comes to infertility I feel more like a victim than a warrior because I cant understand why this happened to me… To help me step out of this negative stigma I associate myself with, I am choosing to share my journey. For the past few months, my husband River and I have started the process of IVF, or in-vitro fertilization. In short terms, the process involves many different injections to stimulate your ovaries to grow more eggs than the body typically would, daily ultrasounds and bloodwork, a surgery to remove the eggs, where they are then combined with the sperm and grown in a lab before being transferred back into the female already fertilized. I have been through a lot in my life, but this is physically and emotionally one of the hardest things ive ever done. The process of trying to have a baby is hard enough before you add countless shots and hormones…

Many of you have seen pictures ive posted in the past few weeks in the hospital or at a doctors office, which once again has started to feel like home during these past few months. Although this has been a process that we don’t yet know the outcome of, the one thing I do know is no matter what the pregnancy test says at the end of this, it is a success in my book. It has brought River and I to a new level in our marriage. If your marriage can survive crohns disease it can make it through anything. If it can survive IVF, you deserve a fucking medal. Whats next? We wait. We wait and we enjoy each others company and time spent together, because if all goes as planned time will be few and far between in 9 months…

Only time will tell.