Being happy is being
healthy. These words are on a poster I walk past on my way to work everyday and
they have become the way I choose to live my life. I never understood before
how these two things were intertwined but now I do. I have always considered myself
a genuinely happy person. Those who know me know I may not have the best sense
of humor, as I often don’t laugh at jokes or find the typical “funny movie”
funny. But I was always able to find happiness in other places. I was happy
being outside. If I had a choice I would spend everyday outside. I found
happiness in traveling and exploring the world. I always had a smile on my face
when I was on adventures with my dogs in the woods or at the beach. Doing
things with my husband gave me the greatest joy. Whether it was a walk with the
dogs, or going to a new restaurant or our favorite museum, I was happy. These
are all things crohns stole away from me over the years, and with that, it took
my happiness. I was robbed of precious time and memories that I will never be
able to get back. A simple task like walking down the hallway to get the mail was
often interrupted because I couldn’t make it 20 feet without having to run back
to the bathroom, sometimes not even making it. This caused a debilitating
anxiety that plagued me everyday. How could that not make you anxious and
unhappy. I am living in the best city in the world and for a year I was
confined to my apartment. That is unhappiness.
Looking back, I didn’t realize
just how unhappy I was, and those around me would have never been able to see
on my face the daily struggles I was fighting inside. I hid it well with a
poker face and a smile. It is now that I know what happiness is. Happiness is
being healthy. Happiness is being able to run 5 miles everyday. Happiness is being
able to be spontaneous and not have your entire day based around where
bathrooms are located. Happiness is being able to delete the bathroom locator
app off my phone for good. Happy is healthy. It takes my breathe away trying to
put into words how grateful I am to feel this way.
I am happy, but I am also humble. Although I
feel the best I have ever felt, I feel the pain of my fellow crohnies and
ostomates who aren’t able to experience this happiness yet. Who still deal with
crohns taking a piece of them away everyday.
I am happy, but I am hopeful. I am
hopeful that science will find a way to cure these people. IBD is such a
horrible and sad disease. We are often judged by the way we look on the
outside, and I am a perfect example that you cant judge a book by its cover and
this is true in many IBDers cases. We may not look sick on the outside, but are
extremely sick on the inside .
I am happy, but I am grateful. There are many
others who have it way worse than I did in the lows of my disease. Rivers aunt passed away after a long fight
with cancer on Christmas day. Being sick you are able to relate to each other
and appreciate the battles each other faces. I will live my life in a way that
she wasn’t able to live hers, because I am here and I thank god for that
everyday.
I am happy, but I am scared. I am so scared that my crohns will find
a way to “stir the pot” and come back to haunt me. Lets face it, I don’t have
the best track record with this disease and I have nightmares about the day
that the doctors look me in the eye and tell me that my crohns is out of
remission.
But for now, I am genuinely happy. My husband often just looks at me
and gets this beaming smile. The kind you can see in their eyes as well as
across their face. When I ask him what hes thinking he just smirks and says
that I look more alive today than I ever have in my life. He is right. Being happy is being healthy.
