the infertility rollercoaster

Since opening up about my roller coaster ride that is IVF I’ve had many people tell me how brave it is to share my story, but also that they are not super familiar with what the procces of IVF really is. Our journey with infertility started years ago. Because of the severity of my crohns disease I hadn’t gotten a period for over 5 years. Without ovulating and menstruating, you obviously cannot become pregnant. Our journey with infertility became very closely connected to our journey with crohns. Those who know me know that kids are my passion and I have wanted a large family my entire life. Believe it or not, working with 12 infants everyday only made this ache for kids grow larger. Upon being diagnosed with a genetic chronic disease like crohns, and being so sick that I almost died, I began an internal struggle that was, and still is, hard for me to cope with. How could I possibly think about having children if there is any chance that I could pass this horrid condition on to my baby. For a long time I decided I wouldn’t be able to do it, and this realization that my dreams were shattering caused me endless tears. River and I would eventually go through rigorous genetic testing and counseling before making the decision to go through with IVF. The first step to this whole process was first and foremost to get me healthy. I knew in the condition I was in my body would never allow itself to conceive, or carry a child. After failing countless medications and surgical procedures in September 2014 I was told that the only option I had left for my crohns was a surgery called a total proctocolectomy. In the crohns world this is the surgery of all surgeries and the decision to go through with it was not a hard one because for me, it was literally life or death. During the proctocolectomy I had 14 (additional from my small bowel resection in 2012) inches removed from my small intestine, my entire colon, my rectum, and my anus removed and was left with a permanent ileostomy bag. My world class surgeon told me that I had the worst colon and rectum he had ever seen. Upon getting this surgery my body responded SO well even my doctors couldn’t believe it. Aside from the absolutely horrific recovery my body was so happy to be rid of the sick parts. When River and I made the decision to go through with this surgery we realized we were cutting our fertility rates by 80%. Once you are able to comprehend just how aggressive my surgery was it is easy to understand why we are in the position we are in today. When you remove such a large part of your internal organs your body develops scar tissue to fill the massive gaps left behind. In my case, my uterus tilted when my colon was removed and scar tissue began growing near my tubes, making it virtually impossible for me to conceive naturally. Of course, at the time, this wasn’t something we knew and we spent a year and a half trying for something that would ultimately never happen.

            Once we settled in Cleveland and my body was finally at a place where I knew I would be able to give a baby a healthy home, we began investigating our fertility options. I also have to take a minute to brag about my company, Hyland software. A typical round of IVF costs around $12,000. My amazing company pays for fertility treatments up to a certain limit, and we have paid $0 to this point. How AMAZING is it that they are giving me this opportunity? Sure makes me work a little harder at the office…

            The beginning consultations to see if we were even candidates for IVF were pretty strenuous and involved lots of tests, including an HSG to check if my tubes were open, genetic testing for river and myself, as well as lots and lots of paperwork. The paperwork before we even started the actual IVF cycle really discouraged me and knocked me back down to reality. Having to sit in an office with a lawyer and sign documents saying that if IVF resulted in twins we would have to terminate a pregnancy and signing a notarized document saying what would legally happen to our embryos if a.) one or both of us died or b.) we got divorced was overwhelming to say the very least, and this was before all the insane hormone treatments…

Next time, the IVF process.

Hugs,  C

infertility...warrior?

I am not a victim to my crohns disease. I am not embarrassed about my disease and what comes with it. I choose to face everyday head on and look at the hand ive been dealt as a blessing in disguise rather than a death sentence. I am not a victim.

Crohns disease is most commonly diagnosed in young adults, age 18-24. This also happens to be one of the most important and difficult times in ones life. It is, or was for me, when I was learning about self-confidence, about respect, and about who I was. From the start, I fell right into the statistic. I was diagnosed shortly after my 18^th birthday on the night before I was leaving for college. Although I was 18 when I first heard the words “crohns disease”, I was sick for many years before I decided to seek answers. Being different in high school is the one thing I didn’t want to be, but my sickness forced me to learn things about myself and change into the strong independent person I am today. Blessing. When I was 16 all I cared about was what I was wearing to school the next day, who was hosting Saturday nights party, and how I could sneak home after curfew. Having to change plans because I couldn’t leave my bathroom was not in my agenda, but it became my reality. I knew on the day I received that phone call that I had a choice to make. Be a victim, or be a warrior.

I like to think of myself as a positive person when it comes to most, if not all aspects of my life. Yes, sometimes I am pessimistic about the Cleveland browns superbowl hopes, but lets face is, who isn’t? On the other hand, when it came to my disease I never allowed myself to be defeated…or at least until recently.

Since my surgery in September 2014 that left me with a permanent ileostomy, I have achieved medical remission from crohns disease. For the first time in the 8 years since I was diagnosed I am healthy. I often get emotional when I am doing something as simple as gardening, going on a roadtrip, or as adventurous as hiking the hills of California because these are all things I was not able to do 2 short years ago. I do not take anything for granted anymore. Nothing. I know that everything I am able to accomplish in my day to day life is a gift, because I remember very clearly a time when I would not have been able to do it. This healthy version of myself has so many plans and dreams for the future, including the one thing I have wanted more than anything; a family.

When it comes to my crohns I have always been comfortable, which is strange considering that crohns deals with intestines, and poop, and things one generally would not talk about. You could ask me literally ANYTHING about my crohns and I would get so excited and tell you everything I know. When it comes to infertility I am the opposite, and I don’t know why. Even writing the words down pains me. I suffer from infertility. Because of all the trauma that my body has endured due to my surgeries and medications from crohns disease, my ability to do the one thing I feel like my body was made for has been compromised. When it comes to infertility I feel more like a victim than a warrior because I cant understand why this happened to me… To help me step out of this negative stigma I associate myself with, I am choosing to share my journey. For the past few months, my husband River and I have started the process of IVF, or in-vitro fertilization. In short terms, the process involves many different injections to stimulate your ovaries to grow more eggs than the body typically would, daily ultrasounds and bloodwork, a surgery to remove the eggs, where they are then combined with the sperm and grown in a lab before being transferred back into the female already fertilized. I have been through a lot in my life, but this is physically and emotionally one of the hardest things ive ever done. The process of trying to have a baby is hard enough before you add countless shots and hormones…

Many of you have seen pictures ive posted in the past few weeks in the hospital or at a doctors office, which once again has started to feel like home during these past few months. Although this has been a process that we don’t yet know the outcome of, the one thing I do know is no matter what the pregnancy test says at the end of this, it is a success in my book. It has brought River and I to a new level in our marriage. If your marriage can survive crohns disease it can make it through anything. If it can survive IVF, you deserve a fucking medal. Whats next? We wait. We wait and we enjoy each others company and time spent together, because if all goes as planned time will be few and far between in 9 months…

Only time will tell.