For the past few weeks I’ve realized that I no longer have
much to blog about. My posts used to be an outlet for me, a place where I was
able to vent some of the frustrations of living with a chronic disease. At
first the thought of having nothing to talk about bummed me out until I
understood what exactly that meant. It meant that I’m healthy. It meant that my
crohns is under control and not as prevalent in my everyday life, giving me
less opportunity to talk about it.
This got me thinking about opportunities and what an
incredible one I have been blessed with this year. At this point last year I
was really struggling. I was still in a new city very far away from my family,
unable to explore my surroundings, causing me to feel trapped within my own
body. For anyone who has never felt this way before, it’s a horribly scary,
sad, emotional, and frustrating feeling.
It feels like everything is just out of reach and no matter what you do,
you can never succeed. For many years my body and my mind weren’t on the same
page. My mind was adventurous, young, excited, and passionate. I craved love
and laughter and spontaneity. My body felt old, sick, and just worn down. There
were some dark days when my body wouldn’t let me get out of bed. I had to set
small goals for myself that felt below my minds capabilities. Walk around the
block today. Make dinner. These all seem like small tasks, but to me, they were
exhausting and painful and my body would often feel it the next day. These
small things didn’t just exhaust me physically, but emotionally as well. I consider myself to be a fairly optimistic person. I believe that you have to be to live with a
condition like crohns disease. I always hoped for a better tomorrow but there
were times when I would really evaluate the pain I was feeling and ask myself
“how long will I have to live in pain like this”. Looking back now I feel so proud of myself
that I was able to come out of those darker days stronger and with a smile on
my face.
Now , instead, I ask my self; “how much longer do I have to
live healthy like this, and what can i do with this time”. I am so blessed to be given, what feels to me like, a
whole new start.
Today happens to be my 25th birthday. Birthdays
are never anything special to me, I don’t really like cake, I hate surprises, I
don’t feel any older…But this birthday really makes me emotional and feels very
personal to me. I am 25, but I feel like this is my 1st birthday. I
feel like a different person than the girl who turned 24 last year. That sick,
scared, unhappy, tired girl is gone and I write this today with tears in my
eyes thinking about all the things I have to celebrate today. Year 1 of new me.
This birthday is also a very fun and family filled one for
me. My person, my younger sister Kyra
comes home from Asia today! Shes been abroad for a month and I missed her
dearly. This week I will get to celebrate with all of my favorite people and I couldn’t
be more excited about that. We are also getting to do some traveling next
month, im heading back to see my cousins in Petaluma/san Francisco and this
year river gets to come with me! Were spending 10 days out west, and I cant
wait. We also fully intend to enjoy all the things new york city has to offer
since we weren’t able to last summer. Aka lots of food.
Today, I will be basking in the sun with my boys and going
on a date with Taylor Swift. Life is good.
