Dear Ostomy

Today is a special day to me for so many reasons. Its hard to not be emotional today, and I find myself overwhelmed at everything im feeling. For starters, I am writing this post from the living room of my new house. Granted I am sitting on the floor because we have no furniture, but that point is irrelevant at this point. We bought a house. I am so excited to finally be able to share the news as ive been holding it in since July 3 when we put in our offer. I’ll always remember that day, I was a ball of nerves waiting to hear back. We were on a hike in the hills of Petaluma, California and doing this all by phone, but this was our house, we just knew it. My cousin will laugh at me and say I was a total disaster and that I let my minions take care of it for me. What a special day. And now the day is here that we have officially claimed it as our own. Moving is also a double edged sward and as I have been dying to relocate back to Cleveland, every day closer to leaving new york has been a struggle, something I didn’t expect. I really believe that each place you live leaves a mark on you forever and its something you carry on to your new home. I feel so blessed to be in the position to be homeowners at the young age of 25 and I cannot wait to turn this house into a home and start my family here. Both of our families have been beyond supportive and we are so excited to be closer to them and spend more quality time together, aka, were coming over for home cooked meals all the time. Today has also been a huge milestone for me medically. One year ago today I was finishing up in surgery. Looking back on all ive been through in the past couple of years, both before the surgery and shortly after it, there were times I honestly didn’t think I would make it. Hell, there were times I wish I wouldn’t. One year later and I am the healthiest and happiest I have ever been in my life. Its amazing how those two things come so closely hand in hand. I have so many vivid moments from a year ago that I often play back in my head, flashbulb memories. I remember what I was wearing when they told me I needed surgery, I remember what I ate the night before my procedure (buffalo chicken pizza duh), I even remember the last time I farted, something I cant do anymore.  My future was so uncertain, and it was horrifying and exciting all at the same time. I don’t personally know anyone with an ostomy so it was uncharted territory to me. As amazing and supportive as my husband and family are, they would just never understand. I have found some amazing friends and a great group of support because of this ostomy and the support groups designed for them. People who understand me, its very refreshing. I owe my life to my ostomy and there are so many things I would tell it if it was a human, so, I decided to write it all down. Here it goes. Cheers to one hard, happy, hell of a year down and many many more to go.

Dear Ostomy bag,

Its been a year since we met and I can officially tell you that it has been the best year of my life. My whole life was leading up to the moment you were born, and although I had hesitation about getting you, you didn’t and haven’t disappointed me yet. Im not going to lie to you, I never wanted you. Although you were always a potential in the future, I stuck the thought of you in a box and vowed to never open you. Three years ago I said I would rather die then have you and now, a year after I almost did die, I am thanking you for the life you have given me. We weren’t fast friends, and we have definitely had our moments of hatred towards each other, but that was to be expected. At first I felt like you were stuck to me like a leech and you were literally sucking the life out of me. I resented you. You were a change in the way I had lived my life for 24 years and you were not welcome to me. But very slowly and then all at once I began to feel better, and then I began to feel like a whole new person, and I have you to thank for that. You changed my routine and made my life all kinds of upside down, but in the end I realized that this wasn’t a bad thing, but actually a blessing. A year later, were best friends, partners in crime even. While I used to be repulsed by you, I am now proud of you and openly brag about you to everyone I meet. You no longer are a thing that happened to me, but rather a part of me that I wouldn’t change for the world. I realize not everyone likes you as much as I do. The reality is, you’re pretty gross and the rest of the world views you as a death sentence. To those people I defend you like theres no tomorrow. I would go to battle for you against anyone who had anything negative to say about you. This year the CDC in an attempt to get people to stop smoking showed a commercial in which they portrayed ostomy bags as a nasty consequence of smoking that clearly no one wants. It infuriated me. How dare someone use you as leverage for scaring people. I fought for you and made my voice heard. I didn’t get you because of a choice I made, but rather because it was fate. I believe I was preparing my entire life for you. We were destined to end up together but I needed time to be able to accept you. I will never be able to thank you for what you have given me. I know sometimes youre an asshole (no pun intended), but for the most part you are me, and I am you. We literally go everywhere together, and this past year we have gotten to do so many things that just a year ago were only dreams, things I never would have been able to accomplish without you. I feel like a better version of myself with you, finally being able to live the life I envisioned for myself. There are days when I feel sorry for myself because you make me different from everyone else I know, but then I realized that all those people love you too, because you made me ME again. It has been one hell of a year together, and I am blessed to have been able to spend with you.

Love, Celina