the past is real

Is it possible to have everything you’ve ever wanted? This is something that I have been pondering the last few months, as it seems that my life has finally fallen into place. Time and time again ive said how I never realized just how much this disease took from me and how much it impacted my day to day life until I was able to look back on it with a healthy pair of eyes.

            Anyone who knows me knows I have one of the strongest type A personalities imaginable. I plan absolutely everything, and I am very meticulous about it. When something doesn’t go according to my plan, it stresses me out beyond words. That being said, when I was younger and I was planning out my future, I saw myself healthy, with a family and a job living in a big city. Then life happens and your plans all get shattered in the blink of an eye. When I thought about my future I never imagined that I would be sick so young. I didn’t fathom the possibility of having to be on immunosuppressant drugs for the rest of my life. Never would I have guessed that I would have a major abdominal surgery at the age of 21 and another only 2 shorts years later that would result in me losing my colon, rectum, anus and gaining an ileostomy bag. This is something that typically would send me into a nervous frenzy, but for some reason it has made me a strong enough person to stay calm about it. People often ask me how I deal with the stress of what I went through and my answer is simple, it doesn’t stress me out.  If my dishwasher is clean at the end of the night I cant sleep until its unloaded…stress over the small things, but when it comes to my crohns, I am cool as a cucumber. I have often wondered how this is possible and I decided that its becaue I don’t have any control over my crohns and so I try to maintain control in all other aspects of my life. You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

            When I found out I had crohns, my expectations for my life and myself shifted. Instead of being able to plan everything out, my life became unpredictable. Everything would come down to how I was feeling in the moment, making it very hard to plan. My goals changed. My new goals became not having an accident at the dog park, or trying to run a mile without having to stop to use to find a bathroom. Getting sick puts your life goals on hold and really makes you evaluate what is important in your life. No, this is not the life I had laid out for myself when I was 15 years old. I have had to do things I would never have imagined doing. I have been through hell and high water. I have felt pain, and loss. But I have also been given a clean slate. For many people, the idea of having a bag seems like a prison sentence. For me, it has given me the opportunity to dream, and to begin setting new goals for myself. The chance to be able to do this again is priceless for me.

            I am not a typical 25 year old girl, nor would I wish to be. This disease has shaped me into more of a person than I ever imagined I could become. I surpassed my expectations of myself. I used to wonder to myself “why me? Why did this happen to me” and I find that with time, that has also changed. Thank GOD this happened to me. It has made me the strongest form of human being, and I wouldn’t change a thing about my life. Every night before I go to bed I look in the mirror and I touch my scars. Slowly, and one at a time. They represent so much to me about what I have been through and was able to overcome. They remind me that the past is real.

            So here I am, almost 8 months into my new life, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I am happy personally, professionally, mentally, and of course, physically. I am happily married and living in that big city like I always dreamed, yet, I don’t feel like I have everything I want. This is because I have learned that you shouldn’t ever feel like you have everything, because you can always push yourself a little further and do more than you ever dreamed of doing. People who believe they have everything simply aren’t aiming high enough…

Here’s to seeing just where this new body will take me.

Hug your loved ones, this life is special…

C