happy is healthy

Being happy is being healthy. These words are on a poster I walk past on my way to work everyday and they have become the way I choose to live my life. I never understood before how these two things were intertwined but now I do. I have always considered myself a genuinely happy person. Those who know me know I may not have the best sense of humor, as I often don’t laugh at jokes or find the typical “funny movie” funny. But I was always able to find happiness in other places. I was happy being outside. If I had a choice I would spend everyday outside. I found happiness in traveling and exploring the world. I always had a smile on my face when I was on adventures with my dogs in the woods or at the beach. Doing things with my husband gave me the greatest joy. Whether it was a walk with the dogs, or going to a new restaurant or our favorite museum, I was happy. These are all things crohns stole away from me over the years, and with that, it took my happiness. I was robbed of precious time and memories that I will never be able to get back. A simple task like walking down the hallway to get the mail was often interrupted because I couldn’t make it 20 feet without having to run back to the bathroom, sometimes not even making it. This caused a debilitating anxiety that plagued me everyday. How could that not make you anxious and unhappy. I am living in the best city in the world and for a year I was confined to my apartment. That is unhappiness. 

Looking back, I didn’t realize just how unhappy I was, and those around me would have never been able to see on my face the daily struggles I was fighting inside. I hid it well with a poker face and a smile. It is now that I know what happiness is. Happiness is being healthy. Happiness is being able to run 5 miles everyday. Happiness is being able to be spontaneous and not have your entire day based around where bathrooms are located. Happiness is being able to delete the bathroom locator app off my phone for good. Happy is healthy. It takes my breathe away trying to put into words how grateful I am to feel this way.  

I am happy, but I am also humble. Although I feel the best I have ever felt, I feel the pain of my fellow crohnies and ostomates who aren’t able to experience this happiness yet. Who still deal with crohns taking a piece of them away everyday. 

I am happy, but I am hopeful. I am hopeful that science will find a way to cure these people. IBD is such a horrible and sad disease. We are often judged by the way we look on the outside, and I am a perfect example that you cant judge a book by its cover and this is true in many IBDers cases. We may not look sick on the outside, but are extremely sick on the inside .

I am happy, but I am grateful. There are many others who have it way worse than I did in the lows of my disease.  Rivers aunt passed away after a long fight with cancer on Christmas day. Being sick you are able to relate to each other and appreciate the battles each other faces. I will live my life in a way that she wasn’t able to live hers, because I am here and I thank god for that everyday. 

I am happy, but I am scared. I am so scared that my crohns will find a way to “stir the pot” and come back to haunt me. Lets face it, I don’t have the best track record with this disease and I have nightmares about the day that the doctors look me in the eye and tell me that my crohns is out of remission. 

But for now, I am genuinely happy. My husband often just looks at me and gets this beaming smile. The kind you can see in their eyes as well as across their face. When I ask him what hes thinking he just smirks and says that I look more alive today than I ever have in my life.  He is right. Being happy is being healthy.