The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions to say the very least. For those who don’t know, my doctors went ahead and recommended I undergo a total colectomy in which my entire colon and rectum is taken out. Although this news took, and continues to take my breath away, I am strongly capable of wrapping my head around it with a positive attitude.  To some, this may seem like a very drastic and sudden procedure, but fooled you, because this surgery has been the very thing I have avoided since I was diagnosed 6 years ago. Its hard to see the fighting that goes on behind a closed body’s doors, a beautiful brides smile, a dog lovers face when it gets two sloppy kisses everyday. But the fight is there, consistently. I can say with full confidence to you all that this is not something I have taken lightly by any means and I have to the best of my and my doctors ability done everything medicine knows how to do for someone like me with little success. Am I scared? Terrified. But I am able to accept it for what it is and look at this opportunity to better my life. I hope you all are able to do the same. Once my body gets this extra little jump start it needs I fully intend to help it along in any holistic way I can, by continuing to live a healthy lifestyle and regiment.

This weekend was very stressful as the team of doctors/nurses who had been giving me primary care had left for the long weekend and my case was essentially handed off to two teams of doctors; the surgeons and the GI team, both of who were pretty low on the totem pole of medicine and now comfortable answering many of my million questions. I also sat here with the uncertainty of not knowing when the surgery was going to take place. Ive been in the hospital 10 out of the last 14 days and the waiting and anticipation has been one of the most difficult parts of being here. I was terrified my surgeon was going to walk in and basically say ok lets schedule it for whenever, next week, week after… The plan was always that I would go home between surgery and the admittance, however, as the days and pain progress it was slowly becoming apparent that was less likely to happen.  Monday afternoon the consulting surgeon who has been covering my case walked in and casually said, “he can fit you Wednesday evening sometime”. Coming from the biggest question asker and planner I know I was very stressed out by this. I got the news by myself and didn’t really know where to go from there. I didn’t have much of a choice about the days unless I wanted to wait until deep into next week. I certainly want to get it done quickly and I think this was ultimately a perfect result, but it was fast. Plans needed to be made, flights needed to be booked, life needed to be “nested”. So here we are. Pre-OP day. My mom is on her way here, River has been fortunate enough to get the time off work, and other plane tickets are all booked or on standby. Support system to say the least, all ready to be here at the drop of a hat for me. I remember the post OP of my surgery and it was HARD and things are a lot different now, especially living alone in this city. Today will be filled with getting clearances from all departments involved, making sure I can physically undergo a surgery of this magnitude, just paperwork fundamentals. There are also some concerning numbers like my potassium and blood counts that we need to raise before surgery. I will be getting IV potassium, iron, and my first blood infusion today to help my body do what it just isn’t able to do by itself anymore. It will also be a emotional day for me. As minuscule as It sounds to someone without crohn’s, after today I will never poop into a toilet again. My hours of pain spent curled on my bathroom floor are over. My dogs will never rest their heads against my flat soft tummy. I wont be able to wear some of my clothes ever again. All tiny things compared to what I will be gaining, but hard to think about none the less.

I am ready for this. Pending all gets cleared today, the surgery will be at some point Wednesday evening. It is a 7-8 hour long surgery and I will wake up in the PACU to River and my mom. I will have them update as often as they can and see fit, but please feel free to direct message anyone in my family for updates or just to show them some support as I know how hard it will be for them when I take my quick “nap”. I also cannot begin to thank all of the nurses and doctors who have worked around the clock to help me attempt to find this new quality of life. People like this exist in the world for such an important reason and I hope none of you never needs to know what its like to be in the hospital for so long, but the team becomes one big family and so from the bottom of my heart to theirs; Thank you…

I cant wait to share the next blog post with you. Post OP, new life. Squeeze those you love extra hard for me today.

My dad left me on this quote the other day, and it seems to have stuck

“reality is harsh. It can be cruel and ugly. Yet no matter how we grieve our environment and circumstances nothing will change. What is important is not to be defeated, to forge ahead bravely. If we do this, a path will open before us”

-Daisaku Ikeda

See you on the other side, C